I'm still laughing after reading this....
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Espresso liberals finally find a tax they don't like
Ten cent duty on specialty coffees one step too far in fight for social justice.
Seattle--Burdened with intense feelings of liberal guilt, the city’s caffeine junkies--a combination of well heeled democrats, greens and punk anarchists--put their hob-nailed boots squarely on the throat of an initiative that would have slapped a 10-cent tax on every espresso-based coffee sold in the city.
The initiative was thrashed by a 2-1 margin.
The tax money would have been used to pay for child day care facilities for struggling lower income families.
At the Karma café, Paula Myers, who describes herself as a liberal from the moment she came crawling from the womb, was deeply conflicted about the way she voted.
“I drink seven double espressos a day,” the Lisa Loeb look-a-like said. “That’s like a dollar a day. If I didn’t have my coffee I’d probably gut someone with a switchblade. I’m a total supporter of Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow Coalition though and I like minority children, I really do.”
Two tables over, Lazlo Black, a web designer who runs a site for disgruntled ex- dot.com employees, sipped his extra-tall cherry mocha frappuchino. Black was raised in a comfortable upper middle-class section of Spokane where his father worked as a bank manager. He developed his ‘liberal’ leanings while attending college in Eugene, Oregon.
“Where does the government get off trying to tax me on a luxury item? I’ll use that extra dime I’m saving to purchase goods and services from local businesses and eventually it will trickle down to the low income families so they can buy their own child-care facilities. That’s the American way.”
Black paused, “Holy sh**, that sounds just like my old man. F*** you, dad. I’ll never be like you, never.”
Espresso liberals perk up the second the caffeine starts coursing through their veins...and they aren't paying no dime extra for their daily fix.
Over at Coffee God, an ultra-hip java joint, commuters stood in line for their morning caffeine-fix.
Many among the Mohawk-wearing, Indie-looking, grunged-out crowd sheepishly admitted that they had voted down the proposed dime increase in their morning espressos, lattes and frappos.
“Dude, the extra dime would have raised the cost of my coconut latte from $4.90 to $5 bucks. That money would have to come from somewhere,” said Terry Bartlett, a Microsoft Network Security engineer that clears a cool $80 grand a year. “I might have to cut down on all the Japanese Anime DVDs I buy. I love poor children though.”
“First, I really love poor children,” said Art gallery director, Stephanie Burton. “But 10 cents is well…it’s a dime and you can do a lot of stuff with that like get a handful of Chiclets from a gum ball machine.”
“I can’t tell you how much I love; I mean absolutely adore poor children. They are our greatest resource. I love them so much it causes an empty ache in my heart. But an extra dime? I may as well just buy a regular cup of coffee. Yuck,” said Andrea Johnson, who works as a phone operator at the Seattle Greenpeace office.
Regular coffee would not have been taxed under the proposed law.
Johnson polished off her latte and prepared to flier her neighborhood about an upcoming rally for worker’s rights in Latin America.
On the other side of town Zack Gunderson and Kevin Riley, two dreadlocked hippies who served on the frontlines of the Seattle WTO riot in 1999, woke early to protest the decision.
“Bunch of g**d*** phonies,” Gunderson said. “Starbucks was behind this. They heavily funded JOLT (Joined to Oppose the Latte Tax) and the small coffee shop owners fell for it like a bunch of rubes. Well, were taking things into our own hands."
When asked what he meant Gunderson explained.
“Kevin and I are gonna throw a couple of rocks through the front window of a Starbucks and then run like hell.”
The two paused outside of a busy downtown Starbucks and waited for the traffic to die down.
“Dude, um can I get a double iced mocha while were waiting, this weather is really getting me down,” Riley said.
“What! We’re supposed to vandalize this place. All right, all right. Get me a double chocolate frappo but hurry up I want to throw this rock through the window before Oprah comes on,” Gunderson said.
Leaving the coffee shop with triple espresso and briefcase in hand, Brian Whittaker, the lone Republican living in the city, smiled when asked about the vote down.
“At least I never acted like I gave a s***,” he said, taking off in his SUV.
http://www.freepressed.com/espresso.htm
